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A Free Man

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(no subject) [Feb. 8th, 2006|05:53 pm]
A Free Man
"there's alot of things that I miss."
When something starts off like that, 98%, it's going to be long and depressing. I guess that I really don't have anything to complain about. I mean I REALLY shouldn't complain about anything. As long as I can keep up with my school work (which isn't proving to be much of a problem, considering that I'm only actually going to two classes...), I've got at least the next 3 yrs. of my life paid for. But man... there are *alot* of years after that. It's just mind-blowing how short of a time we're here, but how long it seems when we're actually living our lives. There's some Modest Mouse song that has a line like "the years go fast but the days move so slow" or something along those lines. Those are some of the truest lyrics I've heard. And I've heard alot of true things, though less than I had percieved as such, as I have recently been discovering. It's strange how you can never trust a person's word. It's strange how sometimes you can't even trust your own word. That's my main problem, I think. It feels like I'm a completely different person day to day... even hour-to-hour sometimes... most of the time, come to think of it. For awhile I was even convinced that I had some sort of psychotic disorder like schizophrenia or split personalities or something... It's just so weird... I feel like a completely different person, yet the same exact person that I've always been at the same time. Like I'm just a different version of the same person. Like when you compare cars from the 60's to those of today. They had those heavy steel bodies and could pretty much go through anything; a little bump between cars was just as common as it is today, but much less of a problem. On the other hand, let's take these new aluminum-alloy bodies or whatever.... sure, the cars of today are bigger, faster, and smarter, but does that make them better or worse? When you're going faster, you're only going to crash harder. I guess that's pretty much what I've realized. I put so much effort into myself the last two years of high school that I realize that I had been ignoring the entire world around me. Now, I get here, into this world that I've so long remained blind to, and find that it is even less blind of me. That part I can accept, I suppose, but the logic of it all seems flawed in that I sometimes wonder why I'm working for a society that doesn't work for me.

Sometimes it seems like all I need to do is learn how to hold a conversation. I've never really been able to hold a real, normal conversation. I suppose I've always had my own brand, without even really realizing it, aside from the reactions of the rest of society to my behavior. On the scale of things to never figure out, though, that's pretty high up there. I mean nobody except your calculus teacher, and maybe future architectural overseer, gives a fuck if you didn't learn how to integrate a complex mathematical function, but if you're unable, for whatever reason (lack of practice, I suppose, in my case), to hold an interesting conversation with someone, you will be almost immediately rejected. Not only ejected from that conversation, but ejected from 'real' contact with people. I mean, think about it, what activities in your daily lives don't involve an interaction with people? And which of these interactions don't involve a conversation of some sort? Whether a conversation in spoken language, or that of the body, there's going to be some sort of stimulus-response interaction going on there for both of you. So what's my point? I need to learn to interact with people better. That's pretty much it. Plus stop smoking. And start exercising again. And eating right. And get on a normal sleep schedule. And start going to my classes. And start doing the work for my classes. That's about it. Sweet, not too bad.

So I just realized that nowhere in this whole boring and bland rant did I even make a reference to one of the many people that I care about. I suppose maybe that's what one of my main problems is. My mind is so jumbled with my own damn self that I don't think about others enough. I mean, sure, I think about other people alot. Hell, I will still occasionally just think of random encounters with complete strangers for no particular reason. But that's just all talk. The thing is, I think about people alot, but I don't actually do enough for people. Hell, I don't even talk to them. Even the people that I consider my closest friends I sometimes feel very uncomfortable in a room with, even for no reason at all. I don't know... I'm not sure exactly what my deal is, but I really need to get shit together. I'm not really even sure why I wrote this. Chances are, nobody will read it, or care. They'll just read about me being admitted to the insane asylum and will be like "hey I knew that kid in high school" or something... If that's the case, all I ask is for a nice view out my window.
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bloomington [Aug. 22nd, 2005|11:35 pm]
A Free Man
so im going to bloomington on wednesday, then i get a week off before school starts. this is gonna be sweet. im seriously gonna do music shit like all damn day. if anyone who reads this is going to iu, they should give me a call sometime, or if you happen to see me around, just say hey or something cuz my hair pretty much blocks out my entire field of vision, and I probably won't see you.
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(no subject) [Jul. 4th, 2005|11:01 pm]
A Free Man
hey everyone: i lost a girlfriend, feel sorry for me
/\
l
l
l
(HUGE time saver)
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there must be some kinda way outta here.... [Apr. 20th, 2005|10:29 pm]
A Free Man
so i just found the lyrics to a song i wrote awhile back as a tribute to gandalf. yeah, the wizard, and it made me realize something: i really need to write a new song for that guy. he deserves so much better. if you want to, scroll down and i have the song posted... you'll understand what im saying. i mean the guy accomplished so much. all the other wizards ridiculed him, because he hung out with the hobbits, but it turned out that the hobbits had the ring. gandalf knew what he was doin man.
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(no subject) [Mar. 12th, 2005|11:51 am]
A Free Man
oh man my third and forth fingers of my left hand r really starting to hurt.....
i might have to stop playing guitar for awhile
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(no subject) [Feb. 24th, 2005|08:43 pm]
A Free Man
im finally able to concentrate on stuff again. the problem is that i do it too well. im basically working from the moment i get up untill i fall asleep. i go to school, work my ass off so i wont have to do homework or shit like that later, then come home and work out for about 2 hrs., read for about 2 hrs., then play guitar for whatever time is left until family guy is on, which i fall alseep during. its good ending the day feeling like ive accomplished something, but its starting to burn me out
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does this make sense to you? [Feb. 20th, 2005|07:12 pm]
A Free Man
man, i dont know whats wrong with me. i feel so bitter all the time, it's not like me at all. i wonder what happened to the old me that could easily get along with anybody, that could resolve conflicts just by laughing... what happened to me? ive very rarely been feeling any emotions besides anger or sadness lately, and it reminds me of how i was back when i was younger and basically was messing up the chemicals in my body and my brain. id take any pill, drink any brew, or smoke any leaf. but ive stopped all that now. i was just growing up. everyone goes through that "im not happy because im a teenager" phase, but im 18 now, shouldnt my brain be pretty much done developing? or at least the limbic system (sector in charge of emotions)? i feel like i cant even relate to other people anymore, and so i try too hard to figure out whats going on in their head, but i go too deep into my own mind and come out with something completely fictional. i cant concentrate on any one thing anymore either. i used to be able to play my guitar for hours without even getting up to get some water or something.... now i play for less than 30 min., get up, get some water, and wander around the house aimlessly. sometimes i might just space out for awhile to make the time pass. but i cant even do that for very long, so i go back to my guitar and repeat the whole process until im tired enough to fall asleep. i feel like one of those circus tigers; endlessly pacing back and forth behind the bars of their cage, day after day, week after week, year after year. but when i leave the house i still feel the same. its like... im stuck in my life or something. stuck in my body and my mind, and i cant get out no matter how hard i try. and i DO try. i try reading, i try music, i try the media, i try exercise, but i just dont feel any motivation to do any of it. none of it can take me away from myself like it used to. i wonder what it would be like to share some sort of a universal consciousness, like maybe a colony of ants would have, when the individual doesnt really function as an individual, merely as a tool of the whole entity which is the colony.

maybe my problem is evolutionary. the decomposition of the tribal societies which gave our species such great successes and cultural diverstiy in the past has disappeared, and so too has the purpose of life for the individual. before, the individual existed to serve the tribe. the meaning of life was to ensure the continued existence of the tribe. in other words, people within the tribe had the will to live because they were needed to preserve the lives of the others in the tribe, and thus the culture which the tribe represented. and we all know that inter-species variation is the key to the survival of that species (don't we?). the species, in turn, serves its purpose within its niche in the ecosystem, maintaining the balance of nature and allowing life on Earth to continue. nowadays, in our current culture, how does the disappearance of a single individual affect the culture as a whole? certainly within a circle, the individual is missed, but there is no impact on the cultural scale. its as if the meaning of life is right there in front of us, but we dont see it because it no longer applies to the lives of modern man. perhaps thats why nobody is really sure of what the meaning of life is. because we're afraid to find it. we don't want to see the futility of our current culture's existence. most organisms exist primarily to reproduce, and thus to further increase the chances of their species' survival. but with the human race the opposite is true. we can actually serve our species better by dying young and NOT reproducing. taking into account the fact that the world is already overpopulated, and the resources which are needed to sustain all life on this planet are disappearing at an increasingly fast rate because of this, we really serve our species better by not existing. this unusual circumstance is found in very few other species, except for those which were put into that position by us, such as deer, whose populations have no limits since their natural predators were killed by us. thus, they eat the green vegitation at a faster rate than it can replenish itself, and mass starvation begins. not only for the deer, but for all other species which rely on the green vegitation to survive. its as if the human race's current existence is nothing but a mistake, a cancer in the once-perfect being that is nature. cancer cells can do nothing but reproduce. any function(s) which they once provided to the organ which they were once a part of become impossible. we once served a purpose within our tribal societies, yet now we serve only the individual. we continue to reproduce like cancer, serving no purpose to the global being that is nature. in constrast, we were once an integral and nessecary part in preserving the balance of nature.

so what does this all have to do with me? i suppose that i now serve no purpose to whatever disfunctional 'tribes' exist in the modern context. the closest things that exist today to the ancient tribes which were once in harmony with nature, i would have to say, are the families, circles of friends ('cliques' as the sociologists like to call them), and the corporations. i have no job, (i dont see any need to further promote a faulty economic system until i absolutely have to), and i have enstranged myself from my family and friends through a series of rash decisions which all ended badly.

maybe things arent really as bad as they seem. maybe the human race isnt doomed. maybe the world isnt really doomed. maybe i really serve some abstract purpose which is beyond my narrow sight.

or maybe we're all just fucked.
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(no subject) [Feb. 20th, 2005|05:44 pm]
A Free Man
i feel like im just a nuisance and and inconvienience to everyone i care about. im just going to stop bothering people for awhile...
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(no subject) [Feb. 19th, 2005|05:54 pm]
A Free Man
internal convictions seem to obstuct the path which must be travelled to realize these convictions
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(no subject) [Feb. 19th, 2005|12:19 am]
A Free Man
man i dont know what to do. i feel like im on house arrest again. this house is very lonely sometimes, but i get more alone time with my beautiful guitar. yeah, im a loser. so what? i can still kick your ass.
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