|does this make sense to you?
||[Feb. 20th, 2005|07:12 pm]
A Free Man
man, i dont know whats wrong with me. i feel so bitter all the time, it's not like me at all. i wonder what happened to the old me that could easily get along with anybody, that could resolve conflicts just by laughing... what happened to me? ive very rarely been feeling any emotions besides anger or sadness lately, and it reminds me of how i was back when i was younger and basically was messing up the chemicals in my body and my brain. id take any pill, drink any brew, or smoke any leaf. but ive stopped all that now. i was just growing up. everyone goes through that "im not happy because im a teenager" phase, but im 18 now, shouldnt my brain be pretty much done developing? or at least the limbic system (sector in charge of emotions)? i feel like i cant even relate to other people anymore, and so i try too hard to figure out whats going on in their head, but i go too deep into my own mind and come out with something completely fictional. i cant concentrate on any one thing anymore either. i used to be able to play my guitar for hours without even getting up to get some water or something.... now i play for less than 30 min., get up, get some water, and wander around the house aimlessly. sometimes i might just space out for awhile to make the time pass. but i cant even do that for very long, so i go back to my guitar and repeat the whole process until im tired enough to fall asleep. i feel like one of those circus tigers; endlessly pacing back and forth behind the bars of their cage, day after day, week after week, year after year. but when i leave the house i still feel the same. its like... im stuck in my life or something. stuck in my body and my mind, and i cant get out no matter how hard i try. and i DO try. i try reading, i try music, i try the media, i try exercise, but i just dont feel any motivation to do any of it. none of it can take me away from myself like it used to. i wonder what it would be like to share some sort of a universal consciousness, like maybe a colony of ants would have, when the individual doesnt really function as an individual, merely as a tool of the whole entity which is the colony. |
maybe my problem is evolutionary. the decomposition of the tribal societies which gave our species such great successes and cultural diverstiy in the past has disappeared, and so too has the purpose of life for the individual. before, the individual existed to serve the tribe. the meaning of life was to ensure the continued existence of the tribe. in other words, people within the tribe had the will to live because they were needed to preserve the lives of the others in the tribe, and thus the culture which the tribe represented. and we all know that inter-species variation is the key to the survival of that species (don't we?). the species, in turn, serves its purpose within its niche in the ecosystem, maintaining the balance of nature and allowing life on Earth to continue. nowadays, in our current culture, how does the disappearance of a single individual affect the culture as a whole? certainly within a circle, the individual is missed, but there is no impact on the cultural scale. its as if the meaning of life is right there in front of us, but we dont see it because it no longer applies to the lives of modern man. perhaps thats why nobody is really sure of what the meaning of life is. because we're afraid to find it. we don't want to see the futility of our current culture's existence. most organisms exist primarily to reproduce, and thus to further increase the chances of their species' survival. but with the human race the opposite is true. we can actually serve our species better by dying young and NOT reproducing. taking into account the fact that the world is already overpopulated, and the resources which are needed to sustain all life on this planet are disappearing at an increasingly fast rate because of this, we really serve our species better by not existing. this unusual circumstance is found in very few other species, except for those which were put into that position by us, such as deer, whose populations have no limits since their natural predators were killed by us. thus, they eat the green vegitation at a faster rate than it can replenish itself, and mass starvation begins. not only for the deer, but for all other species which rely on the green vegitation to survive. its as if the human race's current existence is nothing but a mistake, a cancer in the once-perfect being that is nature. cancer cells can do nothing but reproduce. any function(s) which they once provided to the organ which they were once a part of become impossible. we once served a purpose within our tribal societies, yet now we serve only the individual. we continue to reproduce like cancer, serving no purpose to the global being that is nature. in constrast, we were once an integral and nessecary part in preserving the balance of nature.
so what does this all have to do with me? i suppose that i now serve no purpose to whatever disfunctional 'tribes' exist in the modern context. the closest things that exist today to the ancient tribes which were once in harmony with nature, i would have to say, are the families, circles of friends ('cliques' as the sociologists like to call them), and the corporations. i have no job, (i dont see any need to further promote a faulty economic system until i absolutely have to), and i have enstranged myself from my family and friends through a series of rash decisions which all ended badly.
maybe things arent really as bad as they seem. maybe the human race isnt doomed. maybe the world isnt really doomed. maybe i really serve some abstract purpose which is beyond my narrow sight.
or maybe we're all just fucked.